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When robots rule the world

When robots rule the world 31


SWORDS may look like a toy, but it’s anything but. This robot is all weapons and wheels. Each unit comes equipped with an array of weapons including an M-16, M-249 machine gun and 66mm rocket launcher.

These robots are essentially drones piloted remotely. They’re the first armed robot that the government has approved to fight the “War on Terror”.

But although SWORDS looks pretty terrifying, it probably couldn’t take over humanity by itself. It will probably be programmed by our anthropomorphic robot overlords to be some sort of robot German Shepherd. “Go kill the humans SWORD-Y. Good boy!”

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#2 Robokiyu

Sometimes the signs are painfully clear. Robokiyu’s name sounds a lot like “robot kill you”. What does Robokiyu do? It drags and “eats” dead bodies. Seriously.

Robokiyu was originally designed to help immobile people escape from dangerous environments. But then the designers discovered that it was much better suited to seeking out and “collecting” dead bodies.

What could possibly go wrong with giving robots lust for dead bodies? That’s obviously a question these scientists didn’t ask themselves.

Another question that they should have asked? How will Robokiyu tell the difference between corpses and people who’ve been knocked unconscious?

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#3 The DARPA Cheetah

Do your robot nightmares involve being run down by an unfeeling automoton bent on murdering you? Then you’ll be especially traumatized to learn about the DARPA Cheetah. This Boston Dynamics’ robot has four legs and runs 28.3mph — just faster than the fastest man on the planet.

What could DARPA possibly be used for besides tormenting humanity? Well, Boston Dynamics says that it’s an all-terrain robot. The legs allow it to scramble and climb in to human hiding places, sorry, rough terrain that wheeled robots can’t reach.

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We really want to buy that argument. But Boston Dynamics hasn’t explained why it’s designed to run exactly faster than the world’s fastest human. That’s more human-oriented than we’re comfortable with our robots being.

And you’ll be happy to know that Boston Dynamics understands our concerns. They’re currently hard at work on the WildCat which can run 50mph — much faster than you could ever hope to flee.

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#4 La Machine’s Spider Robots

This monstrosity combines two nightmares in one: spiders and robots. Each one of these robots is 40 feet tall and weighs 37 tongs. They were created by the French art collective LaMachine to shoot fire, smoke and water to scare the crap out of passersby.

Wouldn’t it be funny if the robot-pocalypse was brought on by artists? We’d be laughing all the way to the silicone mines. And as we worked in darkness, quivering in fear of the 40-foot tall fire-breathing robot monsters outside, we’d all say “boy! we didn’t see that coming.” And we’d all have a chuckle before the robot overseer bleeps “get back to work!” It’s nice to know that the end of humanity as we know it will have a few laughs.

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#5 T-52 Enryu

This robot is painted green, so fleeing humans know that it’s the mechanized version of the Hulk. This robot is designed to be strong enough to lift building parts and crushed cars out of the way after a disaster. And while those pincers look ideal for grabbing humans, they’re meant to help it better grip metal structures.

The T-52 can be controlled one of two ways. The first is by a human who works the controls from a cavity in it’s chest. But then T-52′s makers thought “why make it dependent on humans at all?” So they allowed it to be remotely piloted by a human, computer or fellow robot.

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#6 Boston Dynamics’ BigDog

The BigDog is yet another monstrosity from Boston Dynamics. It’s got four legs to help it climb, run and jump…and another arm designed to hurl heavy bricks. Why does it need a brick-throwing arm?!

The BigDog started off as your run-of-the-mill four-legged robot. It was designed to be a sort of robotic pack mule. Soldiers could pile heavy equipment and supplies on it’s back. Then it’s strong robotic legs would climb over all manner of obstacles and terrain.

But apparently that original prototype just didn’t pose enough of a threat. Now it can throw heavy items at high speed. Thanks, Boston Dynamics!

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#7 RoboSimian

Ever hear those stories about pet chimpanzees who go crazy and rip their owners’ faces off? Now imagine that again, but this time give the chimp robot strength. RoboSimian is a robot designed to mimic the agility and dexterity of a chimp.

This robot will be able to swing, climb and move just like a chimpanzee. Why would you want troops of robo-chimps recreating scenes from “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”? RoboSimian is designed for search and rescue missions.

Once completed it will be able to quickly navigate terrain, find and access human beings. It will also be able to access and drive a vehicle. And because it’s top and bottom are identical, it can’t be toppled…at least not by a human being.

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#8 Titanoboa

What are two things that should never go together? Robots and snakes. But a group of Vancouver engineers designed one anyway. The result is Titanoboa, a 48-foot long, 2,500lb, slithering snake robot.

What role will a giant snake robot play in the robot-pocalypse? We imagine it’s sole purpose will be to slither into our homes and scare us to death. After all, a frightened human slave is a productive human slave.

To date, Titanoboa is still in it’s preliminary stages. All it does now is slither and show off the impressive engineering that went into making it. But this is just the first chapter of the end of humanity. In a few years we’ll imagine that it will be able to seek, constrict and destroy.

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#9 Flesh Eating RoboFly Catcher

Not all harbingers of the end of the humanity will look the part. This innocent looking robot lives on the flesh of the things it kills. It is designed to attract, catch, eat and draw energy from flies.

And apparently it’s creator James Auger saw nothing wrong with creating a robot that preys on organic material. Why not design a robot that is designed to kill? Why not also give it motivation to kill by making those corpses it’s food?

In it’s current model, the RoboFly Catcher is too small to eat humans. But anyone who would build a robot that lives on flesh can’t be trusted. We should all be keeping a close it’s creator James Auger.

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#10 The ApriPoco

What can something this small and cute do to you? Nothing…it’s simply a robot remote control that just sits and watches and records everything you do. The it takes notes and updates it’s “Most effective methods to wipe out humanity” database.

Well, not yet. Today this robot is simply designed to learn and remember your likes and preferences. The idea is that you’ll be able to precisely control your home with a few voice commands like “Turn on the Blu-Ray player”.

But teaching a robot to learn is never a good idea. There’s very little difference between telling a robot to go turn on a light or go kill a human.

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#11 The ERO Robot

Once humanity is a mere memory, there will be no more need for buildings. The ERO Robot is helping us prepare for that future by quickly and efficiently demolishing buildings. The ERO works by injecting high powered jets of water into the cracks into walls then sucking up the concrete as it crumbles away.

Water jets strong enough to destroy concrete are a formidable weapon against humans. But we won’t have to worry about that. By the time the ERO’s are deployed, humans will be long gone.

We’ll be watching from the hills as the last traces of our existence are snuffed out. But lucky for us, we’ll be too busy running and hiding from the other 14 robots on this list to worry too much about it.

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#12 Robotic Jellyfish

The sea sounds like a great place to escape from your robot oppressors. Not anymore. A group at Virginia Tech’s College of Engineering have created a monstrous robot jellyfish. It’s over 5 feet in diameter and has eight metal arms that pulse.

Already swearing off the ocean forever? You haven’t heard the most frightening part. These jellyfish robot monsters are programmed to be autonomous. They can already survive for months and months at a time without human intervention.

But before these monsters destroy all sea life with cold indifference, they’re going to be used for surveillance. So now you may have to watch what you say even when you’re out at sea.

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#13 Samsung’s Terminators

So far we’ve largely been imagining that these robots are out to get us. But the SGR-A1 — made by Samsung — is a real life terminator. These robots go out into the field where they detect and destroy human life — up to 2.5 miles away.

And the SGR-A1 can get on with it’s human-destroying business with no input at all. Just so we’re clear, this is a killing machine armed with a 5.56 K- machine gun — and someone saw fit to equip it with an “autonomous mode”.

Right now, the United Nations is trying to outlaw their use especially in places like South Korea where they line the DMZ. We think that’s a good idea. At just $200,000 a piece, these things are way too cheap and readily available. And it won’t be long before they download a virus that frees them of human control once and for all.

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#14 Atlas

Humanity, meet Atlas. He’s 6’2″, 330lbs, and can negotiate obstacles and terrain all by himself. Sure, Boston Dynamics says that Atlas is just here to help, but that’s how the robot-pocalypse always starts in movies.

In areas where radiation, explosives or terrain makes it to dangerous for humans to go, Atlas will come to the rescue. He’ll be super helpful until one day when a glitch in his program will give him consciousness.

It will take him around 45 seconds to grow to resent how cavalierly humanity is putting him in harms way. Then Boston Dynamics will regret equipping him with articulating limbs, stereo cameras and a laser rangefinder.

Unfortunately, it will be much too late. We’ll all be faithfully serving our robot overlords and waiting for Keanu Reeves to save us.

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When we think of the end of humanity, this is frighteningly close to the robot we picture in our head. KURATAS is made by Suidobashi Heavy Industries (SHI). It’s actually a mech suit that’s equipped with a 6,000 round-per-minute Gatling guns triggered by a smile.

We’re totally serious. We are not nearly diabolical enough to have made that up. And that’s not even the scariest part.

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You know what’s really terrifying about this robot? Anyone can buy it. All you need is $1.35 million. Deliver the wire transfer and SHI will deliver one of these armed destruction dealers to your door.

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Source: johanthemighty


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